I’m good

Yeah …. nah

Actually I started the day out suidical.

Yep and I ended yesterday suidical too.

After court last week my ex decided to use his brother to get to me. Saying I had done this and I had done that. Now add to that I was supposed to be going to their mothers house to get my belongings.

It’s a complicated situation. But In the end because my ex’s brother is talking to my ex which is a breach of their mothers avo on my ex, the brother has put my safety at risk.

This brother is verbally abusive and aggressive with me. And triggers me. Yes triggers me.

So I canceled the movers.

Now I have to deal with losing all my little treasures that mean so much to me. Photos my first partner took. ATC (artist trading cards) that I spent 7 years collecting and have over 600 of. My art supplies. A deck chair my daughter made me. My grandmothers sewing Machine. Along with the relentlessness of these siblings who don’t seem to care about anyone but themselves. I feel like a bettle that got caught in a spiders web and was lucky enough to escape. But the spider doesn’t want to give up so easily.

I have rang the police who advised to just go to the mother house and “if” anything happens call triple 0 . My personal safety is worth more than that.

So I have slump into a deep depression.

There ya go.

And btw don’t tell me to reach out.

Realisation

I feel like I’m not doing enough.

But I am . I am working through a lot of things at the moment.

I have started a healthy relationships course. Which focuses on what I have been through and what is healthy in a relationship. I have panic attacks and acute anxiety . I started swimming 3 weeks ago, this is kinda funny because it’s just coming into winter. But I feel so wonderful after a swim. Seeing 2 counsellors.

I got home after my course and I had a subpoena waiting for me. I’m telling you this because I drove yesterday afternoon and this morning to make to court. Huge waves of anxiety and panic attacks. Only to be face to face with my ex. There are a couple of reasons why I put myself through this.

My sense of justice and respect for the policemen that have worked hard to get justice for me. Right now I have a stress headache from hell, I’m exhausted but also proud of my self for showing up. The legal system isn’t just. It leans in favour of the perpetrator. BUT! I showed up. I drove for 6-7 hours to be in court this morning, knowing my dad would be worried all day. Driving that far also showed my ex I wasn’t going to let them get away with assaulting me either. Whatever way the assault charge goes. I SHOWED UP. For myself and to make them accountable in some way for their behaviour.

Pat on the back for me.

Good job I say!

Seriously couldn’t be ……

I never thought I would be in this position or state of mind but what do you know here the fuck I am.

I can’t do it anymore

I just can’t fucking do it….

I’m so tired of picking up and moving forward

I started a job last week back in disability and you know what … I can’t fucking do it

I don’t want to help people anymore

I need to help me

I can’t

I just can’t fucking do it

I need to stop…. really fuckin stop and heal from alllllllllllllll the shit

All of it

I have to admit , acknowledge that the last 3 relationships I have been in have been truly abusive

And I need to work through the trauma

And I can’t do that if I’m emptying myself “helping” others

I’m empty

Completely fuckin empty

I can’t do it the way I have always done it ,just get the fuck back up and move on.

I have been through too much.

So now I have to deal with Centrelink

Because I’m on Newstart I am supposed to look for 21 jobs. Month. Nah I can’t handle the pressure of it ,so off to the doctors.

Because if I continue on this path on going to end up having a nervous breakdown

I already have post traumatic stress, anxiety, panic attacks. And looking for a job is going to drive me over the edge. But the government doesn’t give a rats fucking arse about that they just insist on me have a job.

I have a vision of being a voice for the lgbtqi community. I want to talk about domestic violence in the community. I want to show what it does to the depths of your soul if you don’t love yourself enough to see the red flags.

Love yourself enough to heed the red flags

Love yourself enough to say what you need in a relationship AND if they don’t give it to you….. fuck them right off.

Because you are worthy of love

I am worthy of love . Of being held when I cry. Of having a best friend who I can share the depths of me with, safely.

I deserve to be safe emotionally

Mentally

Physically

Spiritually

Goin’ home….

So after six weeks of living in a backpackers hostel, 3 traumatising court appearances- the last the best- advo in place for 2 years and a conviction for assault,

I went home.

Home to my parents.

Home to my family.

There I felt love

Surrounded by love.

I hadn’t felt that for awhile.

Turns out dad and I needed each other more than either of us thought. I helped with mum- who has advanced dementia and he helped me by giving me a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in – and a listening ear and love only a father can give to a daughter.

Home where I healed

Home where I watched my father be a full time career doing everything in his power to look after mum.

Home where my father become my hero.

After 60 years of marriage here he was doing it all.

Silver linings……..

I was so numb ,a bit like when ones foot has gone to sleep. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. The aftermath of what I had just survived was deep , raw.

What shone through was beautiful people that popped up. I went into a shop one day started to cry for my little dog, who had been my shadow, my loyal shadow for 14.5 years. I was sobbing. And 2 women came up and asked if I was ok. I told them the I was a DV survivor. One of these women was about 17 years old, she asked if needed money , I said no. I thanked her . What hit me about her was her compassion, at such a young age. The other woman said to me “ Honey I am a survivor too. You will get through this.” She hugged me.

Another beautiful person came along the caretaker of the caravan park where I was staying. We started to talk and he shared his life with me. New Year’s Eve we talked over a couple of drinks. Talked about music and all sorts of topics.

After the caravan park, I ended up in a backpackers hostel. This place at first was a little haven. A place I managed to catch my breath and see other people who were in a similar situation. Homeless. Through no real fault of their own. Together we were there for each other. We all taught each other something.

One beautiful soul said to me when the tears come just let them fall, they will cleanse you. They did come. I cried on my bed for what seemed forever. Then in the shower crumbled on the floor in a fetal position. I just let the water flow over me. Letting the pain out through my tears.

See it wasn’t just that I was homeless. It was the shame. Shame of letting someone treat me like they did.

I have always been someone who sees the good in people, what I had just lived through was the opposite. Why? Why do people treat others so? One aspect that hit me was self hatred, on such a deep level that it’s toxic and abusive.

But the people around me didn’t care, they were just there for me. As I was.

Finding beauty all around me. Ten minute walk to the ocean. Watching the sun rise. Swimming in the star lit night. Watching the pelicans guide through the air and land in the water. Some days it was easy, other days a huge struggle. But I would keep getting up and trying again.





The beautiful spot of rock bottom

So with coming out arrived a whole new world. I had been stuck in the mind set of what world thought a woman should be. I only bought tops from the women’s section. Tops I didn’t feel comfortable in. I relied on a man because I thought I needed one to survive….

Now I gave myself permission to do things my way. I stopped shaving anywhere , mainly because I was shit at it and would cut myself all the time, and anyway why should if I didn’t want to?

I went back to school and eventually found a job that I loved and was passionate about.

Going to my first pride parade was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I had found my tribe!! Here we all were celebrating who we were, as a community!! AND let me tell you a secret….. seeing those dykes on bikes in leather at the front , made me weak at the knees…..still do…..

Right from the start I have been attracted to butch women. To me, they have a swagger, this confidence. Tough on the outside, soft on the inside. And all woman. So soft.

Her touch

Her kiss

The ecstasy.

I truly felt like I was living out Bruno Mars’ song “Locked out of heaven”

After the break up of my first relationship I ran on auto pilot for months. Until one day I felt my heart break inside my chest collapsed in a heap in tears. I slowly recovered and months later was talking to someone else. I ignored every red flag that waved in my face. I was so desperate to be loved. I accepted less than I deserved. Moved states , got another job to be with her. Let me say this that excessive alcohol and emotional abuse finished that relationship before the year was out. Within 6 months I had another girlfriend we did the whole uhaul thing and moved in together , before we really knew each other. But I fell deeply in love with her. To the point where I asked her to marry me. Things went down hill very quickly after we got engaged. I knew we wouldn’t last. One morning I disappeared.

Please be aware that there’s a lot I’m not saying here mainly because it involves other people. My actions have not been great. I needed at times to be more honest and I wasn’t. Things I have said that I needn’t have, but can’t take back.

I was so very depressed after this breakup.

I would listen to Creeds song “weathered”

And that was exactly how I felt.

But I just kept on going pushing through.

I started talking to someone else, there were huge red flags here, once again I ignored them. I gave up my job and moved in with them. This time though I collapsed in an emotional heap. I was tired…….so fucking tired. I was also disillusioned by life. To be honest with you there are days when I didn’t want to go on.(please reach out if you feel like this).

This relationship was the hardest one I have ever had. I was challenged on every level. After 10 months of emotional and mental abuse , then towards the end physical abuse , I escaped luckily with my life and the clothes on my back.

I lost everything materially

I was homeless

Totally broken emotionally…..mentally

Stripped to the bone

And yet deep inside I knew I was going through this for a reason.

I started to look at what I was going through and see that as a lesbian and a member of the lgbtqi community there was literally NO support. Zip. Zero. Zilch…..

And out of this lack the

BAREFOOT WARRIOR

was born.

so it is my aim from here on in, to be an example of how one person can make a difference by telling their story.