So with coming out arrived a whole new world. I had been stuck in the mind set of what world thought a woman should be. I only bought tops from the women’s section. Tops I didn’t feel comfortable in. I relied on a man because I thought I needed one to survive….
Now I gave myself permission to do things my way. I stopped shaving anywhere , mainly because I was shit at it and would cut myself all the time, and anyway why should if I didn’t want to?
I went back to school and eventually found a job that I loved and was passionate about.
Going to my first pride parade was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I had found my tribe!! Here we all were celebrating who we were, as a community!! AND let me tell you a secret….. seeing those dykes on bikes in leather at the front , made me weak at the knees…..still do…..
Right from the start I have been attracted to butch women. To me, they have a swagger, this confidence. Tough on the outside, soft on the inside. And all woman. So soft.
I truly felt like I was living out Bruno Mars’ song “Locked out of heaven”
After the break up of my first relationship I ran on auto pilot for months. Until one day I felt my heart break inside my chest collapsed in a heap in tears. I slowly recovered and months later was talking to someone else. I ignored every red flag that waved in my face. I was so desperate to be loved. I accepted less than I deserved. Moved states , got another job to be with her. Let me say this that excessive alcohol and emotional abuse finished that relationship before the year was out. Within 6 months I had another girlfriend we did the whole uhaul thing and moved in together , before we really knew each other. But I fell deeply in love with her. To the point where I asked her to marry me. Things went down hill very quickly after we got engaged. I knew we wouldn’t last. One morning I disappeared.
Please be aware that there’s a lot I’m not saying here mainly because it involves other people. My actions have not been great. I needed at times to be more honest and I wasn’t. Things I have said that I needn’t have, but can’t take back.
I was so very depressed after this breakup.
I would listen to Creeds song “weathered”
And that was exactly how I felt.
But I just kept on going pushing through.
I started talking to someone else, there were huge red flags here, once again I ignored them. I gave up my job and moved in with them. This time though I collapsed in an emotional heap. I was tired…….so fucking tired. I was also disillusioned by life. To be honest with you there are days when I didn’t want to go on.(please reach out if you feel like this).
This relationship was the hardest one I have ever had. I was challenged on every level. After 10 months of emotional and mental abuse , then towards the end physical abuse , I escaped luckily with my life and the clothes on my back.
I lost everything materially
I was homeless
Totally broken emotionally…..mentally
Stripped to the bone
And yet deep inside I knew I was going through this for a reason.
I started to look at what I was going through and see that as a lesbian and a member of the lgbtqi community there was literally NO support. Zip. Zero. Zilch…..
And out of this lack the
so it is my aim from here on in, to be an example of how one person can make a difference by telling their story.